The Second Quest is underway now and will be updated as it progresses. If you look below, however, I do have one complete quest already.
And if you're reading this, comment; I might get bored and not finish it if I think I'm the only one following it.
071111- Oh yeah, this bodes well for the simplicity of my lifestyle- I wake up from a dream of a dragon telling me the world needs a warrior to find that my house is on fire. I get down to the basement, and note the blaze burning merrily away in the fireplace.
Woah, woah, woah! Newsflash:
The Badguy Clan has broken the world peace that's been going around for exty-ex years, and has begun the festivities with the razing of our village. The only capable magic user in the whole village turns all the villagers to stone. Next thing I know, the spell wears off and the village elder informs me that I- out of the entire village,
I!- have been elected to the post of Savior of the God Damn World. That's what I get for being born into The Goodguy Clan. This is gonna suck.
Okay, city number one on my Saving the God Damn World tour isn't looking much better than my village after The Badguy Clan finished with it. The king says his castle's been overrun by monsters. I'm inclined to believe him, considering the dungeony vibe I got immediately upon crossing the threshold.
So I cleared out the castle and killed the giant talking frog in charge and now everyone is sure that I'm the world-saving hero. Damn it! I just want to be left alone!
Anyway, so the king tells me to head to this other city where The Badguy Clan have taken control of an earthquake generator. So I sneak though the city at night, dodging guards and raiding the chests and drawers of any house without a guard near the front door, until I reach the palace- the main floor is bare and all there is upstairs is the throne room, so I figure I'll check downstairs and see what's up in the basement.
Six downward flights of stairs later...
WHAT THE FUCK!? The king of this city's got a lava pit for a basement!
071211- Okay, after spending 45 minutes sweating my ASS off, I finally find a double-wide staircase leading down into some kind of underground lair occupied by myself and some tin-plated twerp. What's he doing down here anyway?
Oh. Answers that question.
We fight; he loses. I pull a key out of the machine behind the defeated knight and everything starts to shake- the only way out is via a teleporter. World saving heroes aren't generally too fond of teleport tiles, so I hang out for a bit.
All of a sudden I hear a strange voice:
"...run while you can, for I am returning..."
Okay- spooky voices and bricks falling out of the ceiling have convinced me to take my chances with the teleporter.
Having been transported back to city number one on my Saving the God Damn World tour, I see across the river that the city housing the earthquake generator has been completely destroyed.
Oops. So much for the peoples' homes and shops... the king seems cool with it though, and so he sends me off to city number three on my Saving the God Damn World tour.
071311-
Well, that was unexpected- I step into city number three on my Saving the God Damn World tour to find that everyone here has wings. Like, honest to god, 'top o' the world, Ma' wings. After hitting the shops- oddly, run by the only wingless adults in town- I head up to find the head birdman in charge.
Now that's more like it! Lady of the house told me the king is away, but they gave me a bitchin' comfy bed and have invited me to cool my heels for a coupl'a days till he gets back. Ahh, the sweet life, chillin' in a palace- guest of an absentee king- I could... get used to... this... ZZzzz...
*some time later*
SnckuhWhaa! Huh?! Who?! God damn it! I fucking KNEW this was gonna happen!
They lure me in with their comfy beds, and their promises of relaxation only to wake me up and whine about some calamity- a poisoned king and a kidnapped princess! And now I have to rescue this broad because the evil wizard uses a gas that's poisonous to the bird people. Shit!
Fine! So how am I supposed to get to the evil wizard's tower? Slog through a cave and a dark fore- what the fuck?! The bird people can transform into giant birds! Hmm... y'know, as a world saving hero, I could certainly use someone who can turn into a giant bird and fly me around everywhere... I'll need to score one of these birdmen for my party.
But in any event, here we are at the evil wizard's tower, and I have to wonder- why was I accompanied by a battalion of birdmen if the wizard has anti-birdman gas? So I head down stairs and tussle with the wizard. It didn't go too well for him.
So I rescued the princess and recovered the antidote for the king(who was in the castle the whole time, as it turned out. Buncha lyin' feathered dunderheads...) And we head back to the top of the tower so's we can get the hell out of here! Woah, wait- why's the princess riding on my birdman? Huh... Bird chick can't turn into a giant bird... anyway let's get that remedy to the king.
071411- So the king is chipper enough- after getting the remedy- to jump around on top of his bed(really, I thought royalty would have a little more decorum). And to thank me for saving not only his life, but his daughter's as well, what awesome, kingly gift am I to receive?
Gold? Jewels? A title and lands? No. The cheap-ass allows me to walk across his private fucking bridge. And to top it off, the princess(who's already shown herself to be adept at getting captured and very nearly killed) has decreed that she will join me on my Saving the God Damn World tour. And she can't even turn into a giant bird and fly me around. God damn it.
So after more walking, I come to cities 4 and 5 on my Saving the God Damn World tour- sitting on opposite sides of a dammed up river, one town is populated by folks like
you and me(along with a delusional angler who thinks he can catch fish where there's no water), whereas the other town is packed full of wolf people. What the hell kinda world am I trying to save here? So far, I've met bird people and wolf people- what's next? Fish people and Ox people? What about Mole people? CAN I GET SOME FUCKING MOLE PEOPLE PLEASE?!! Crap!
Anway, there's nothing interesting going on here in town, so I'm going to follow up on a lead from one of the wolf people and head for The Dark and Scary Forest.
I think this might just be the most aptly named forest ever- it's black as pitch, it's misty, it's got piles of bones here and there, and it's got tons of trees: definately a Dark and Scary Forest. As has been the case for most of my tour, I have no idea where I'm going- my plan is to simply wander around until I find something of interest- hey, is that a fort? In the middle of The Dark and Scary Forest? Hmm. I think we'd better see what's inside.
A brief synopsis of the adventure in the Fort Suspiciously Located Within the Dark and Scary Forest: walk down a corridor, fight an enemy. Open a chest, fight an enemy. Walk down a flight of stairs, fight an enemy. Rinse. Repeat.
When finally I find what I had no idea I'd been looking for(turns out the chief of the human town beside the dried up river had been kidnapped and replaced by an evil twin, and I'm here to rescue the real chief), I smacked the last of the guards around and saved the day. Again. So let's get out of here, right? WRONG! No, Chiefy McPain-in-my-ass wants to dick around and steal some shit from The Badguy Clan. Never having been one to back down from committing a crime, I followed the old man- until he locked my ass in a cell.
I'm certain, judging by the ease with which he captured me, that my never-led-me-wrong survival senses have been dulled by hanging out with a princess- as we all know, princesses are notoriously easy to capture- so I blame the bird-brained-bimbo for this one.
071511- So as I sit in my cell- too busy not listening to Fake Chief #2 to give a damn what he's got to say- an elaborate escape plan begins to form in my head involving matchsticks, bubblegum, a loose tile from the floor, an RC car and- Hey! A Random Wolfman shows up and saves the day!
Fake Chief #2 discards his disguise to disclose his true demeanor; the stooped, shriveled old man is actually an excessively tall, armored knight... who knew? That was some disguise- like, a jedi mind trick good disguise!
But in any case- Her Ineptitude, the Princess, A Random Wolfman and I shake things up with the Would-Be-Fake-Chief, and he backs down after taking one of my patented Good Ol' Fashioned Ass Whippin's. Well- time to head back to city number 4(or was it 5?) On my Saving the God Damn World tour, and bask in the overwhelming gratitude they will doubtless shower upon me for the safe return of the real Chief.(yeah, right)
Upon my heroic return to city number 5(or was it 4?)
Shut up! They're right across the river from one another and they look identical- I'd like to see you tell them apart! Now if I might continue without your sniggering and comments! AHEM! Upon my return to... one of the cities on my Saving the God Damn World tour I was showered with praise and people were fighting each other for the honour of aiding me in my quest. Wait, that's not right- o yeah, no one made any mention of the fact that I had rescued their village elder(or even seemed to recognize me at all), so I went to visit said rescuee.
What's that I hear upon entering his hut? "O thank you, Your World Savior-ousness? However may I assist you for doing this great deed and saving me from certain grievous bodily harm?" No. What I hear is, "Hey you! Piss off to the Dungeon Inconveniently Located Back in the Direction You Came From and save my town from imminent dehydration."
No, please! Your gratitude is OVER-FUCKING-WHELMING!
And so off I went (now with a Random Wolfman in tow) toward the Dungeon Inconveniently Located Back in the Direction I Came From. I just assume the name of the place changes depending on who says it- for instance if one villager is talking to another about it I figure it would be the Dungeon Inconveniently Located Back in the Direction That Guy Came From*points*. What's that on the horizon? It appears to be city number 6 on my Saving the God Damn World tour.
Picturesque little town, no? Note the inspiring vista from the top floor of the inn. First order of business is to talk to the people- not because their concerns are my concerns(they aren't), and not because I'm a people person(I'm not), but because one of them has to be the elder of this bloody town and I'm sure he'll have something stupid and time consuming- wait- did that guy say "zombies"?
Of COURSE he did! What kind of hero's journey would be complete without a horde of the undead ravening for my living flesh!?
Sure enough- by the time I locate the head geezer of Zombietown, I've been well appraised of the undead situation in town. To no one's surprise, the village elder demands that I resolve the aforementioned influx of the moldy multitudes before he will give me the information I need to proceed onward to the Dungeon Inconveniently Located Back in the Direction I Came From, and ultimately to Saving the God Damn World.
071911- The cure for this most recent undead uprising- excuse me, this most recent Unauthorized Migration of the Living-Challenged(political correctness stinks)- is located at the bottom of a hero's best friend: a monster infested cave. Joy of joys.
So after 6 identically mazelike floors, I find myself at an underground spring. What's on tap? Water. But not just any water- Cleansing Water!(sounds tasty)
Huh-whoa-what?! Oh, hey- fast travel back to Zombietown! Saves me the hassle of stumbling past 6 floors worth of monsters again. So after sprinkling the cleansing water around in the center of town, the soil is purified and the undead are redead and rotting in the sun. Ewww... well, I'm sure the villagers will handle things from here on out- I've got a God Damn World to Save.
Back in the elder of No-Longer-Zombietown's hut, a tear forms in my eye and a lump rises in my throat as I see the most beautiful sight a world saving hero like myself can behold: gratitude! And treasure! One treasure box containing the key to the next stop on my Saving the God Damn World tour- the Floating Island Dungeon- and four treasure boxes packed with gold and supplies!
I've found the new ancestral home of the Line of God Damn World Saving Heroes(assuming I'm still alive at the end of all this nonsense...).
So upon departing city number 6 on my Saving the God Damn World tour, I head north through a forest(one that is oddly devoid of dark-and-scary-ness, considering it's proximity to a recent zombie outbreak) and find myself standing on a dock that stretches out onto a lake below the Floating Island Dungeon. After reading some hokey-pokey voodoo off of the tablet the elder of ExZombietown gave me(the words carved on it actually were "hokey-pokey voodoo,"), the Floating Island Dungeon lowers itself and I walk inside.
NOW THIS IS MY KINDA DUNGEON!!
Treasure boxes galore, levitatey pads that do away with the tiresome necessity of walking, and no monsters- crap.
So after battling my way up four floors worth of monsters and negotiating annoying 'one-way levitatey pad' mazes, I get to the top where I find a glowing pillar(suspiciously unguarded) that I'm sure contains the key that I came here for; Of course, I no longer remember why I'm trying to get ahold of this key, or where I'm supposed to take it when I- what the fuck!? What the hell is that thing?!
Oh. Again, I suppose that's answer enough....
072011- So after stomping the smokey, ghostey apparition-like boss-thing, I make my way contentedly out of the treasure-laden(or unladen, now that I've been through) Floating Island Dungeon. As I step out into the waning daylight, I look over my journey notes to figure out what the hell led me here in the first place- these fetch quests are getting more and more elaborate every day... ahh, here we are:
071411- Quoth the elder of city number four/five of the Tour, "Hey you! Piss off to the Dungeon Inconveniently Located Back in the Direction You Came From and save my town from imminent dehydration."
So it looks like I'm headed back to city 4/5.
*Walking ensues*
Good times. So apparently there is a giant robot made of stone who I can operate with the key I filched from the Floating Island Dungeon. Someone want to explain to me how the chief of a shitsplat little town like this knows so much about magical fortresses and giant robots? Meh, but that's beside the point. So where is this giant stone robot, anyway? Hey, a path- that seems like a reasonable place to start.
*Walking ensues*
Hmm... I may be mistaken, but I do believe that that is a giant robot made of(you guessed it) stone.
Wow. This thing looks a lot bigger from inside... hey look! Isn't that the knight from the Fort in the Middle of the Dark and Scary Forest? I guess it's time for Ass Whippin' Number 2...
*Ass whippin' ensues*
Joy of joys. After beating down the recurring miniboss yet again, I fire up the contraption that supposed to give me access to the super bitchin' Destructobot! Waiiiiit a minute... is that glass tile on the floor glowing? Oh, crap- a teleporter maze. Sigh....
*Random teleportation ensues*
*45 minutes later*
FUCK!!
*Random teleportation continues*
*3 hours, at least half a dozen restarts, and much gnashing of teeth later*
Why do these god damn teleporters have to be so god damn finicky! Can't anyone build a fucking teleporter system that THAT GOES DIRECTLY TO THE FINAL DESTINATION WITHOUT THE USE OF TWENTY GOD DAMN PADS?! I'VE GOT BETTER THINGS TO SPEND MY TIME ON THAN
FIGURING OUT HOW TO NAVIGATE A FUCKING TELEPORTER MAZE!!!
Woah, woah-deep breaths...
*iiiiiiinhaaaaaale*
*exxxxxxxxhaaaale*
Okay, now that I'm no longer in danger of rupturing my brain: I reach the top of the Destructobot and I'm left dumbfounded by the technology in use here- this is a giant robot made of stone bricks that is voice-controlled. How can it be made of bricks but still be articulate enough to walk? And when I command the Destructobot to "take us to the river," how does it know which river I mean? But setting all those inconvenient continuity issues aside, we order Destructobot to destroy the Badguy Clan's dam and restore water to cities 4 and 5.
I'm heading back now, and there'd better be a god damn parade waiting for me when I get there.
072611-
So I returned to the wolfman half of cities four and five where the wolfman chief tells me to go diving into a cave so I can recover his village's treasure- a ring. Not a gold ring, or a nose ring, or a magic ring- just a (nondescript) ring. What's so special about it? That fact, I suppose, that they keep it in a cave in a *GASP* blue treasure chest. Woop de freaking do.
As I walk through the cave, I'm hit by a startling realization: caves can be kinda cool when they aren't crammed full of bloodthirsty monsters who want to eat me...
I step out into the daylight wondering about the curiously non-life-threatening cave, and thinking the Ring ought to be around here somewhere... When my eyes adjust to the brightness, what do they behold? A less welcoming looking cave. Crap.
Take a step/ kill an animated cesspool. Take two more steps/ re-kill a pair of zombies. Half a dozen steps later and I'm fighting off armored heads with furry feet and large, sharp axes. What the hell kind of lunatic embarks on a venture like this by choice?
O great! As if wandering through a pitch-black cave full of man-eating monsters isn't bad enough, now I'm wet, too- and nothing brings the monsters a-runnin' like squelching Hero Boots.
072711-What kinda brain giant puts the treasure of his village in a monster-infested cave several miles away from that village, where one would need to wade through waist high pools of brackish water(home to God knows what) to retrieve it? C'mon, people! All I'm asking for is a little forethought!
Hey wait a minute- is that the blue chest? Well, it certainly is a treasure box... and upon close inspection it does appear to be blue. Alright, where's the boss I'm gonna have to fight for this little prize? Hello? Hmm. Maybe it won't show up until I try to open the box...
*kicks open chest, pulls sword*
Hmm. Still no boss...
*takes ring*
Odd. Seems a little too- waaaaait a second- is that a teleport tile? Aww crap! I knew it wouldn't be this easy. Siiiigh.
*step**appears at the mouth of the cave*
Huh? Okay, dread is quickly building in the pit of my stomach- I got a quest item without a fight, and a teleporter took me exactly where I needed to go. Some bad shit's about to go down... let's get back to wolftown and see what's going on.
Hey, now that the towns have their water back and I've rescued the real chief of humantown, fuck saying thanks to the world saving hero who made it all possible- nah! Let's have a party! A wedding, even! Between a woman and a wolfman? What the hell kinda children will they pop out??
Mmm... bridesmaids/dancing girls.
!!Ker-CHOOM!!
Humina-whaaa?! What the hell was that?
*steps outside the village for a look*
Hey! That's the stone robot! What's it doing here?!
O. I suppose that's one more question answered...
I wonder what he plans on doing with that thing...?
Ooo
that
ain't
good...
I've really gotta stop asking these questions...
Great, so now I have to chase down Destructobot and stop the asshole who blew up city 4/5. Then I'm gonna need to figure out what to do with a giant robot with the ability to blow shit up with a big laser beam... y'know, a God Damn World Saving pimp-daddy such as myself could certainly use a giant Destructobot for both transport and wanton destruction(only as strictly necessary, of course).
Tracked down the robot, climbed lots of stairs, tore out half of my hair over the teleport tile maze I've now completed three times and fought the same metal moron I've fought half a dozen times by- what the fuck!? The yellow knight just turned into a big ass green... idunnowat.
Battle ensues- my God Damn World Savior-ousness, a Random Wolfman, and Her Ineptitude, The Princess VS. A Bigass Green Idunnowat.
After a lengthy encounter, Idunnowat/General knight guy wimps out and leaves me in control of the robot. SWEET!! Wanton destruction, here I come! Robot! Go smash something!
. . .
Robot, c'mon! Get with the program and make with the smashy-smashy already!
. . .
Robot?
!!ker-CHOOM!!
!!ker-CHOOM!!
!!ker-CHOOM!!
Yeah-ha! This is gonna be AWESOME! Hey, Robot! Blast a hole in that mountain!
Robot? Dude, you walked past the mountain without a single laser blast! There's a whole mountain range! JUST BLAST SOMETHING ALREADY!!
!!ker-CHOOM!!
!!ker-CHOOM!!
!!ker-CHOOM!!
Where in the hell is this thing taking me? And why's it so warm in here all of a sudden...?
Aw fuck. EVERYBODY OUT!
If that don't beat all... I finally get my mitts on something useful- something with the kind of destruction potential to put someone of my awe-inspiring... awesomeness on the god damn map! Only for the damn thing to say, "Goodbye, cruel world" and throw itself IN A GOD DAMN VOLCANO!!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SAVE THE GOD DAMN WORLD WITHOUT A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT TO DESTROY THE EVIL BADGUY CLAN!? FUCK!
And how many babes am I gonna miss out on now that I don't have a superbitchin' giant destructobot to pick them up in? I wonder how much other cool shit is gonna slip out of my grasp before the end... This whole Saving the God Damn World tour really sucks.
On the bright side(if you can call such a pithy recompense for so massive a loss a 'bright side'), the lava spewed forth from Destructobot's last bath has filled in part of the river, allowing us to cross on freshly minted lava rock. So on with the tour, I guess...
080211- Just south of the lava rock bridge, I found I little shrine hidden away in the trees. I wonder what's inside...
Hey, ho, wait! A white-haired old man separates me from my party and shoves me further into the shrine. I help myself to a treasure box and a nice cool drink of water before heading up onto a dais and talking to a creepy glowing dragonman ghost. Predictably, the next thing the ghost does is morph into a scary monster and try to kill me. It's really kind of depressing that this kind of shit doesn't shock me anymore... I slay the monster and as I'm walking out of the Attempted Murder Shrine, the white-haired old man says something about using some powers for good or something.
I ignored him on my way out- can you blame me? He tried to KILL ME!
Jeez.
So I carry on my merry way and come across a ring of flowers with some dope walking around and around in a circle. He was begging me for help babbling about some invisible force making him walk the worry circle. I sat and laughed at him for a while and then got bored and moved on.
Walked through a pleasantly bright and welcoming forest before finding the mouth of yet another dark and scary cave. Good times. Well, we've done caves a bunch of times before, and so far it hasn't proved to be much of a problem so...
Take a step, kill an evil midget. Take a step, slay a few 6foot high Amoebas with magic powers. Take a step, HOLY SHIT! SCARY SHADOWEY THINGS I'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE!
These things are flinging curses and paralysis spells around, beating up my people and-
WHAT THE FUCK!!?
DID I JUST TURN INTO A FUCKING DRAGON?!?!
So by the power of motherfucking Greyskull, I turned into A FUCKING DRAGON and smacked the shit out of the scary shadowey things. Mmmmm yeaaah.
080311- So after laying the proverbial Smack Down on the scary shadowey things, I revert to my human form and strut my ass out of that cave. No rush- what monster is gonna mess with a dude who can turn into A FUCKING DRAGON? I was facing south when I exited the cave, so I kept heading south- after all, no one told me where the next stop on the tour is so I'll just wander around until I find a port city made entirely of gold or something.
...
...
...
...
Wouldn't you fucking know it. I pick the single most unlikely place I can imagine as my stopping point, and it magically appears right in my path. Crap!
Fine! Let's see what's going on in city number seven on the Saving the God Damn World tour: The Port City Made Entirely of Gold.
Boy, oh boy! The ground, the buildings, the walls- all made of gold. It occurs to me that I really couldn't have picked a better place to stop. Now to reveal myself to the populace as God Damn World Saving Hero Extraordinaire and watch as they prostrate themselves before me and crown me their king.
*Ahem*
BEHOLD, O PEOPLE! I HAVE COME TO RESCUE YOU FROM-
Hey, what?! I'm tryin'a Save the God Damn World here, Pal! You better get your fuckin' hands off me! I'll turn into A FUCKING DRAGON and bite you in the ass!
*THWACK*
I came to in a basement jail cell with the guard talking some shit about me having stolen a treasure. Are you kidding me? You live in a city made of gold!! WHAT THE HELL COULD BE MORE VALUABLE THAN THE 5 STORY BUILDING MADE OF GOLD!!?
Christ. Now I'm stuck in a jail cell with only Her Ineptitude, The Princess and a Random Wolfman for company. He never speaks and she never shuts up. Charming company, really.
Okay, okay... a plan... need an escape plan. Let's see- we can use the water in the basin... maybe pry a couple of the stones loose from the floor... find some use for the bedsheets...
Whuahaa! Hey! Who're you?!
There's a dude sleeping in the bed. He looks annoyed at us- likely due to my brainstorming out loud and the Princess's incessant chattering. He walks over to the cell door, pops the lock like magic and points to the exit with an imperious GET THE FUCK OUT gesture. Upon exiting the cell, enduring the burning glare from our ersatz roommate, he promptly returns to the bed and resumes his snooze.
080911- Upstairs, we waltz out of the jailhouse as if we weren't the only occupants(or nearly the only occupants) of the jail cell that is the only thing in the direction we came from. Having made good our escape, we continued our sightseeing trip, but with less shouting and grandstanding on the part of this God Damn World Saving hero. On our little outing we came across a neighborhood that might've been... quaint- if not for the fact that everything as far as the eye could see was made of gold. Thus, amid the four nice houses and the mansion beloning to(I assume) the dope how runs this town began a ritual I think of fondly as, "passing the Saving-the-God-Damn-World collection plate." The ritual mainly consists of us ransacking peoples homes, rooting through their belongings, eating any food they may have left lying about, and taking anything useful(gold, herbs, hunting trophys, and just about anything shiny) with us as we move on to the next domicile. After completing the ritual in three of the houses, we go through the motions in the last house- the pickings are about average, which seems woefully insufficient considering these people live in SOLID GOLD HOUSES- when upstairs we're accosted by an old man who asks to speak with Her Supreme Uselessness, The Princess. Turns out he wants a massage, heh heh- maybe she ain't quite so useless as I thought!
Yeah, fine- go keep him distracted; a Random Wolfman and I will check the bedroom drawers. Don't waste any time, either! We're heading to the big mansion once we're done here and I don't wanna be stuck waiting for some geezer to get his happy ending!
After finding a "strength" potion in the nightstand and not much else, we gathered up Her Dimwitted Excellence, The Princess just as she was accepting a coin purse from the old man.
*blinkblink* That must've been one hell of a massage! The Princess clobbered me in the mouth for that one, but I don't mind- she hits like a girl.
As we made our way downstairs, we were nearly to the door when I realized something was amiss- something had changed since we were upstairs. Something was present on the first floor of the house that displaced precisely the same amount of air as a treasure chest! I set a Random Wolfman to sniffing about for it.
We found it in a corner of the kitchen- as expected, an unexpected treasure box. A treasure box that appeared from nowhere left unlocked in a kitchen that I and my compatriots(such as they are) are currently trespassing in?
I've got a good feeling about th-
Aw fuck. Time to put my charisma into overdrive-
Hey, hey, guys, c'mon! We're all friends here- I mean, hell! I'm Saving the God Damn World for you guys! And do I ask for anything in return? No! All I do is take stuff from your homes every now and then! Think of it as an unwitting donation to a good cause! I mean, what's having a complete stranger enter your home and steal your valuables in the face of THE END OF THE GOD DAMN WORLD!?
SO MAYBE YOU GUYS CAN SEE WHAT KINDA STRESS I'M DEALING WITH HERE AND CUT ME SOME FUCKIN' SLACK!!!
*THWACK*
I regain consciousness facedown on the floor of the same jailcell as before. Which is handy because Sleepy McLockpick over there is still snoozing away. I poke him and point at the door when he lifts an eyelid to stare at me with one baleful, bloodshot eye.
He promptly flips me the bird(a gesture the princess seemed to take particular offense at) and rolls away from me. After carefully considering my next move, I settled on the nonviolent approach- rather than clubbing the guy into a coma(which would only serve to give him a reason to continue ignoring me), I decided instead to ask Her Ineptitude, The Princess about her favorite feather. While she prattled on and on about the virtues of each individual feather sprouting from her back, I stuck my fingers in my ears(attempting to prevent my brains from dribbling out) and hoped the prick on the bed was ready for some peace and quiet.
Behold! It speaks!
"Alright, fuck!" *pops the lock* "OUT!!"
080312- Here, several pages of exceedingly witty text were lost- contributing to a general malaise which put on hiatus all God Damn World-saving activities.
080412- Boy, my internal clock must've been scrambled by all the blows to the head I took from the Golden City Guards. Me, Bird Brain the Princess and a Random Wolfman made our great escape from golden city jail at dawn, spent what felt like a half hour slogging through the latest(and surely not the last) dank, depressing, monster-laden cave, only to step outside into utter darkness.
Oooh... a tower(surely there's got to be treasure inside!) a lake(no doubt crawling with some kind of evil or other general unpleasantness) and a town!
We make for the tower first because treasure must necessarily supercede all other endeavors.
080512-
Halfway to the tower we run across this little bugger. Isn't it just the most beautiful man-eating beastie you ever did see? I just want to capture it and hug it and kiss it and squeeze it and cut little bits of it off to pay for stuff... unfortunately we have no leashes, and the slimes have no fixed protuberances on which to affix a collar, so we simply slay the creature, pocket as much of it's valuable flesh as we can carry and stumble our way on to the tower.
The tower turns out to be a dreadfully boring place- one huge locked door and a few dozen monsters lurking in the shadows.
You'd think that a badass God Damn World-Saving maama jamma of my caliber would've looked up a lockpicking course or two in the curriculum at God Damn World Saving University. Or at least a quick overview in that correspondence course I took, "Forgotten Loot and YOU!" But then, if I'd had an ounce of foresight, I would have gotten the hell out of dodge the instant I realized that 1. I was born into the Goodguy Clan, and 2. that there was, in fact, a Badguy Clan.
Ah, well. Back to the Tour- next stop, City Number Eight.
080712- Well, aside from arriving in the dead of night, City Number Eight appears to be a cheerful enough sort of place.
Yeah, I'll say! But aside from the shadowy outlook, the people seem happy enough.
Okay. First stop- the inn. Apparently, I've spent all day and most of the night in a cave, and I must be beat(even if I do feel fresh as a daisy).
No shit? Well, hell my good man! Sign me up!
***ZZZzzz***
*yawn!* *stretch...*
Okay! Sunshine, daylight, and a God Damn World to Sa-
WHATTHEFUCK?! It's still dark outside! Something's going on here that definitely falls in the 'fishy' category... time to schmooze with the common folk.
There's nothing worth taking in any of the houses, but one guy claims to be a magician. I LOVE magicians! I reach for my wallet to put the money on the table like he asks, only to discover my wallet's been stolen! STOLEN! SONOFABITCHES! Here I am trying to Save the God Damn World for these people and this is the thanks I get?! Some asshole thinks the contents of my wallet are worth potentially causing Armageddon because I may not be able to afford the God Damn World Saving Armor of Overpowering Righteous Awesomeness? Okay, I don't really know if there is such a set of armor, but if there is, I just know it's cost is going to have to come out of pocket, and if I can't afford it because of some pickpocketing scumbag, I'M JUST GONNA LET THE GOD DAMN WORLD BURN!!
080812- *deep breaths*
Okay, I'm good now.
Never being one to be diverted from what promises to be an amusing diversion, I make for the bank, withdraw some pocket money and return to the magician's house.
You don't say? Okay, Unremarkable-Looking Magician, I'll bite.
Huh-wha?! Is it a spooky shadowy monstery thing?!
Huh? What do you m-? What the-! Wow! He's GOOD! Not only is the money gone, but he's disappeared himself, too!
...
...
...
Wait. A. Damn. Minute! SHIT!! First some clown lifts my wallet and now I've been duped by some jerk who probably isn't even a real magician!
What the hell else can go wrong?!
You got it, Sister! Gimme some good news(like the name of the prick who filched my wallet, or the whereabouts of a certain asshole magician)! So I follow her inside.
Okay, I can do this- happy thoughts. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts, hap-
Okay, still focussed...
Getting antsy now...
Okay, ENOUGH! Just gimme my damn for... tune?
Well, shit. What the hell is this place? Thief Town? That tears it! Time to hash it out with the head honcho around here and get the hell out before I lose my shirt!
Being overly cautious to avoid bumping into people on the street, we made our way to the biggest house in town. Inside, all we found where some moldy potatoes(they made me sick) and an old man who asked me to trade a gold bar for... an icicle?
Oh, to hell with it- I pried a couple of bricks out of the Golden City jail(shut up- they arrested me for no reason! A little recompense seemed in order. And besides! I'm Saving the God Damn World here- it's the least they could do.) So I gave the old man a brick, took my icicle, and headed for the cave he told me about that'll take me to a desert I'm now going to visit for no other reason than because I now have a frosty, vaguely conical ticket through.
On the way out, I risk my wallet yet again in order to have a word with the Thief Town Welcoming Committee.
Wait- it really IS a thief town? Well, shit! WHY THE HELL DIDN'T ANYONE BOTHER TO MENTION THIS WHEN I FIRST GOT HERE!? So after a brief(but very costly) stay in Thief Town, and recovering from a rage-induced blackout, I-with Her Ineptitude, The Princess and A Random Wolfman in tow- head off to the desert for no other reason than because it's there.
And I still can't even figure out why it's so damn DARK around here all the time...
081012- A quick jaunt through a mercifully vacant cave lets us out in the eyeball-searing brightness of a seemingly endless expanse of sand. After ten minutes, my eyes adjust to the punishing glare of the light(after spending the last two days in caves and in that proverbial place where the sun don't shine(turns out I totally misunderstood THAT little colloquialism...)) and I can finally be convinced that I'm not permanently blind.
Over the next three days, I learn that even a magical icicle that keeps the heat out and never melts can't minimize aimless wandering, nor can it keep it from sucking. Especially when you're set upon by ill-tempered cacti and giant scorpions, and you're traveling with a girl who has wings, but complains incessantly about how much her feet hurt.
Oh God... why me?
A brief account of our travels in the desert: Sand. Monsters. Sand. Monsters. Sand monsters. Sand... dungeon?
Swirly sand on all sides, eh? Okay... one good hop ought to do it!
*hop* woahoahoah! *CRASH!*
As I fling Her Ineptitude off of me and pick myself up out of the sand, I look to the north and see a tent village raised around an oasis.
Aw crap... bird people, wolfmen, thieves and now Jawas. How much weirder is this trip gonna get? The Head Jawa(you can tell he's the Head Jawa because he's the only one with a Fu Manchu hanging out of his hood) tells me he can get me into the Swirly Sand Dungeon if I help him kill a worm. This might just be the simplest ridiculous request I've had to date- just gimme a hook, a rod and a pond and I'll turn that sumbitch into a tasty treat for dinner!
HOLY CRAP!! THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT!! First ghosts and zombies, then royal magma-y basements and giant robots made of bricks, and now man eating worms!
Worst quest EVER!! I HATE THIS JOB!!
IHATETHISJOBIHATETHISJOBIHATETHISJOBIHATE- *blackout*
The world fades back in around me and everyone in town is staring at me all slack-jawed. Apparently I made fish food out of the worm(ha ha) while in a rage-fueled fugue state. I return to the Head Jawa for the key to the Swirly Sand Dungeon. He hands me a fife and turns away like it's all supposed to make perfect sense to me.
Well my ass, pal! You'd better start makin' sense and pretty damn fast or I'll turn into A FUCKING DRAGON and get my answers
FROM YOUR ENTRAILS!!! After the Head Jawa finishes spilling his guts(ha ha), it all boils down to standing in front of the Swirly Sand Dungeon and blowing on the fife until a bridge magically appears. It sounds pretty hokey, but what the hell? I've seen weirder shit in my journeys so far. I just made sure he knew that if he was bullshitting me, I'd be coming back for him, and I left for the Swirly Sand Dungeon.
Wow. That was surprisingly effective.
101112- Beyond the threshold, good omens abound in the form of beautiful, sweet, shiny treasure chests... mmm... so sexy...
After hacking my way to the first chest, I throw it open and promptly inhale a lungful of poison gas. I pause in my retching just long enough to pop an antidote, and deciding it was a fluke, I take my loot and move on to the next one. The next chest seemed to be empty aside from a handful of moaning, ethereal skulls- one of which perches atop my head until I wave a charm at it and dispel the curse.
This is really starting to get on my nerves. What the hell kind of God Damn World is a guy Saving when he can't even trust a goddamn treasure chest!?
After 3 hours that consisted of a mindnumbingly monotonous routine of walking down labyrinthine corridors, fending off monsters of varying size and ferocity, and falling down startlingly well camouflaged pit traps, we finally found exactly what I had no idea we were looking for- TREASURE!! The single best part of any adventure is always looting forgotten(or curiously undisturbed) ruins, and this time I hit it big!
Loot! Beautiful loot! Useful loot! And above all, VALUABLE loot!
I have some concerns about that blue chest, though... in my line of work, different often equals dangerous. But, seeing as there are no potential traps visible in this room, I say leave no loot behind.
With breath held and a charm ready at hand, I used the tip of my sword to push the lid of the blue chest open and leap backward with a shrill battle cry(shut up, Princess, it was a BATTLE CRY). With a suspicious lack of any toxic fumes or malevolent forces from beyond the grave, the chest is opened to reveal thousands of wonderful gold coins. How wonderf- what's that sound?
My first plan of action is to run in circles screaming in panic.
Further examination, however, shows that this trap is poorly designed in the extreme. I mean, that grate won't keep the water in this room, which means that in order to drown us, there would need to be enough water to flood the entire floor and any other floors below. Somehow I doubt there's that much water involved here. But one way or the other, being stuck here is really gonna suck.
As sucking is never an option for any class of God Damn World Savior, I decided to poke around for a bit. Seizing on the only odd thing in the room within easy reach, I kick the blue chest aside and lo and behold! A staircase along with a handy dandy "trap on/off" switch.
What's downstairs? You guessed it, more winding, monster infested corridors. And how's this for a coincidence- it's our old pal Sleepy McLockpick from the Golden City jail! He starts blathering on about hunting for some nonsense or other. I don't care. I just invited him to go along with us because looting ruins would probably be much more lucrative with a light-fingered locksmith in tow.
Diving deeper into the Swirly Sand Dungeon leads us to more monsters, a small amount of treasure and a number of sarcoff... sarkoph... sarcophaguses?
Caskets. A number of caskets.
Grave robbery ensues.
122512- Empty.
Empty...
Empty, empty, empty!
Fighting monsters is bad, but at least I get paid for it. Lifting and hauling stone lids with no hope of reward is so much worse. What the hell are we doing here, anyway? How is this helping me Save the God Damn World? The last time I had a clear purpose was just before my stone robot took his last bath... since then I've just kinda been following my- what's Sleepy hopping around about?
I don't know. He's capering about waving a book in my face and babbling about some damn thing or other. I don't really care, I'm just glad this means we can leave.
After shaking swirly sand from my boots, I rally the troops and get ready to slog my way back through the desert to the Boring Tower with the Big Locked Door. I figure it only makes sense what with my new pet locksmith and all.
Slogging ensues. Desert, plains, caves, and monsters crammed into every corner of each location.
At length, we find ourselves in the Boring Tower with the Big Locked Door(having bypassed Thief Town entirely, obviously) which is no longer very boring at all, now that we can crack all those locked doors and get at all the sweet, sweet loot inside! Aside from the treasure chests, which, disappointingly, contain very little that I couldn't get on the cheap at any item shop in the land, we came across a strange old man.
Blah blah blah, slay monster, get treasure. So upstairs we go, a monster we slay, and a magical key we obtain!
GYAHH! How'd it get so bright in here?!
*blinkblink*
What the hell, man? I spent 3 days here, it was always midnight. After days in the desert(and under it), returning to the tower it was still pitch dark! 20 minutes indoors and it's now broad daylight! What the fuck is going on around here?!
Daylight or no, I'm not setting foot back inside Thief Town, so my only option is to see what's going on in Golden City.
Judiciously avoiding the local constabulary, we make for the Golden City mansion(which we never quite made it to before we were arrested for the second time). Inside there was really nothing of interest. The mayor of Golden City was blah blah-ing at me about daughter being locked in a safe or some such nons- wait. A safe? I'm there, old dad! Just two flimsy locks, eight treasure chests and a flight of stairs later, I step into a blazingly bright room and spot a familiar-looking column. Crap. This means there's gonna be another boss fight...
With a surprising lack of violent action, the key atop the column pops into my hand and slips easily into my pack.
Well, that was surprisingly free of fuss. The mayor says something about catching a ship to some-damn-where or another at the docks, so off and away I go.
Aw shit. Not these ass clowns again...
We fight,
I turn into A FUCKING DRAGON
... and he loses. Nothing new here. Now to get on board that ship and-
Fuuuuuuck... I sense a mass of time consuming bullshit coming on...
Thanks, strange looking dude with a fish for a head... I'll check around there...
010113- Heading north to the cave, turning toward the ocean, and exiting through the western cliff side. Past a curiously uninhabited domicile, we're rolled up on by two Badguy Clan dolts. After smacking the crap out of them, we stroll on down and find a new boat. Conveniently abandoned, too.
Okay, maybe not entirely abandoned. Belowdecks, we're accosted by more Badguy Clan twits. You'd think these assholes would get the message by now- message being: DO NOT FUCK WITH ME. I'm in the midst of an
astounding series of shitty days and if you FUCK WITH ME
I WILL FUCKING END YOU!!!
After delivering my message, looting a few chests and mopping the floor with yet another iron-covered idiot, we return to tell the mayor of Golden City and the ship captain that we've got a new ride.
A quick fast travel later and we're back at the boat. After some more jawing, and still having no idea of where we're supposed to be going we get ready to set-
sail? Dammit, why am I continually interrupted?! Fine! With a fifth moron on board, I can kick back and let you guys do all the heavy lifting.
And away we go!
As it turns out, "smooth sailing" is a pretty appropriate figure of speech- this is the first bit of downtime I've had since that nice comfy bed at the Bird People Palace. Shit, that was six cities ago! I'm gonna head downstairs and catch a nap.
*KABoOoOM*
*SPLASHSPLASH*
SONOFABITCH! What the fuck is going on?! Incoming ships?! Christ, they're boarding!
Weeping hell! I spend the next two minutes doing away with Badguy Clan nitwits, then go belowdecks to find out where this latest Badguy Clan Knight made off to.
Using my patented God Damn World Saving Deductive Reasoning skill, I determine the most likely point of attack would be the cargo hold containing the powder and shot for all the cannons. Too bad there's no one here.
Shit.
You know you've reached a turning point in your life when an eight foot tall knight can turn into a giant red octopus with a second mouth in it's forehead and you don't even blink.
*desperate fight for survival ensues*
Wait- that's not right.
*A FUCKING DRAGON transformation occurs and ass kicking ensues*
That's better.
Well that's just great. Here I am enjoying a good ol' fashioned ass whippin' and this sack of shit's gotta make me feel like an asshole. Not that feeling(and/or looking) like an asshole's ever stopped me yet!
A good couple of lightning strikes later and the evildoer goes down in a mushy, slime-coated heap. Problem is, one of those stray lightning bolts set a fire in the cargo hold containing THE FUCKING GUNPOWDER.
*explodey doom ensues*
Good news: all the enemy vessels were destroyed when our ship exploded.
Bad news: OUR FUCKING SHIP EXPLODED!!!
Oh, and I totally blame you for this.
011613- After a bit of impromptu water ballet, we all drown and die.
Just great. I wake up and I'm in hell. Which, apparently, is a desert island I'm stuck on with Her Amazing Empty-Headedness, The Princess, A Random Wolfman, Sleepy McLockpick and the fishguy I only met an hour before. Seems fitting. Hell is populated by the most abominably annoying people I was damned to know in life, no way to escape, and all because I committed the unforgivable sin of attempting to Save the God Damn World.
Fuck.
Wait- what? Fish Head says I'm not dead. He also says he has a way to get me off of here.
WHAT?!?!
Are you KIDDING ME?! A
MILLION GOLD PIECES?!
*hyperventilation ensues*
*followed by unconsciousness*
*and then spluttery awakening*
coughCOUGH *spit!*
After wiping the stinging salt water from my eyes, I awake to the Princess babbling some nonsense about having accepted the deal. ACCEPTED THE DEAL?! THAT'S MY GOD DAMN FORTUNE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT HERE! I PAINSTAKINGLY AMASSED THAT FORTUNE BY LOOTING RUINS, DEFILING GRAVES AND SLAYING MONSTERS!! Mostly it was the looting and the defiling, but who's counting, right?
Okay, so we're stuck on this island waiting for Fish Head to get back and I need to devise a clever ploy to weasel out of forking over my ENTIRE GOD DAMN FORTUNE BECAUSE YOU ASSHOLES-
Stop. Deep breaths. That isn't going to save your fortune...
*lightbulb!*
I've got it! I'll invite him to join us on our quest where he'll meet with a most unfortunate "accident."
*interminable hours of waiting later...*
012113- Fish Head shows up mere minutes before the Princess's chattering causes my head to implode. A Random Wolfman is already frantically trying to gnaw off his ears and Sleepy's foaming at the mouth.
Fish Head hands me a small sack. Inside are 7 fleshy slits. And too small to be the awesome kind. As usual, people just assume I know what this kind of shit means, so I've got to grab Fish Head by his head tail and make him talk. He says they're gills. So all I have to do is deform myself for life and I'll be able to breathe under water. It kinda sucks, but it beats the hell out of rotting away on this island.
Well, this sure bites the big one. I swear to God, I find one singing crab and this shit's over with.
Well this is certainly a change of pace. Now I've had people crying out to me for help under water as well as in the open air.
*bullshit ensues*
Okay, the grim reaper is hanging out over the bed of an Ox man, and I just happen to be the only machismo-imbued, God Damn World Saving son of a bitch handy to pull off a super bitchin' rescue.
*slaying ensues*
No sweat.
Ox man whines about some bullshit going on in his homeland. Blah blah blah and away we go.
I'm beginning to wonder if I'm really in this to stop a credible threat to the God Damn World, or if this whole quest is nothing more than me giving the finger to the Badguy Clan at every possible turn. I mean, shit! I haven't heard so much as a whisper of a rumor that the Badguy Clan has some secret method of enslaving all mankind. All I've heard so far is, "uh oh, the Badguy Clan's got yet another harebrained scheme with a single glaring flaw that can easily be taken advantage of."
Well, setting that question aside for now, I guess we're off to Ox town.
City number 11 is pretty unremarkable if you can get past the fact that it's completely deserted.
Well, as any God Damn World Saving hero worth his salt knows, when completely stonewalled in your investigations, wander aimlessly and you will no doubt find exactly what you're looking for. Conceding to the infallible illogic of this concept, aimless wandering ensues. After 40 minutes spent walking in circles, I finally stumble into a fort socked away in a valley west of City 11.
Inside is the usual parade of flesh eating beasties and Badguy Clan dolts. Followed predictably by a Badguy Clan knight shapeshifting into yet another hideous monster.
After stomping the latest Badguy Clan monster until nothing remains but a gooey substance coating the corridor, we throw open a barred gate and free the bovine-faced inhabitants of City number eleven.
